Monday, November 9, 2009

short statement made long


I don't know whether i really should be here (my current location) or not. part of me said i shouldn't be here; part of me said i supposed to be where i am. i left, and i was often not there when someone at home need me. i feel like i am the worst. i don't know why i write here; whether i have had enough, or i just want to tell the world something. i just don't know. it is not that i seek understanding from the world, though i wanted to tell something from my heart. i just couldn't find the right channel no matter how desperate i want to spill it out

my thoughts that everyone have their own trouble really get me. and people are still people. sometimes i get annoyed at what people said. i want to say what is in my mind, my desperation, my thoughts, my annoyance, my heart but i couldn't. i didn't have my chance, and sometimes i am afraid it would be hurtful. i have to remain in silence and keep what i wanted to say inside, thinking that the person will learn their own way.

as i lie alone in my bed, many thoughts runs through my head. is it really here where i belong? or is it somewhere else? suddenly today, after receiving a very dearly phone call, i started to see that my future is still undecidable. i don't know what to do and what is best i can do for now. everything seems so uncertain and future seems dark and pitch black. i don't know what i am doing right now. i am uncertain if i can do my things properly now. i am very lost. i am uncertain of my own capabilities, and i don't know which is which and what is what. i cannot do what is the best i can do. i am limited; by my own self and by the circumstances around me. i don't like it, but i have to go on. i feel useless for my family; in my heart, i know very much, and i understand very much that they cannot depend on me as i can depend on them. it is as if i given them false hope. that's the word. false hope. (i am sorry mom)

in fact, i don't even know why i post this? would it give me good? maybe, as i spilled down what is in my heart. or do i expect any response from those who read this? i don't know. i have doubts myself and contradictions that i still cannot wiped off my mind.

just now i read something interesting, 'if God can get us though this, He can get us through anything'. then i came over something else which is also very interesting 'it is something that will be quickly gone as it arrives'. i read this one in today's horoscope reading. not that i believe in horoscope, no, God forbids us to do that, but somehow i clicked and i am very interested in this phrase. it has somehow as if someone who watch over me up there leading me to this sentence through weird circumstances. i hope then, that this storm will pass as quickly as it comes.

God, i really wish and hoped the best for myself, for the sake of my family. i don't care if i will be a beggar, or someone worth of nothing or worthless brat, but at least, before it happens, let me be someone worthy for my family before i leave everything behind. i want they to live happy without having to face difficulties, not in what they do, or what they have to do, but difficulties in handling our feelings. what is hard now is how to face this feeling inside of each one of us.

argh!!!!!what am i writing here????simply saying, i am lost and i really don't like to be here, and nothing really matter to me here now. i wanted to be at home, but that rights has been taken away from me by people who didn't bother to help even though it is their responsibilities. moreover, they are paid to help. but, when i try to think other way round, i started to ask God 'what do You really want to do with me by giving me this kind of situation?'. God's plan is indescribable; however right now, i don't really want to discuss more about it, nor hearing about it from those who are just repeating whatever we already know. or, it is just not the time yet to said it, have to learn more, and wait more. i am tired; i need a break and concentration on one thing only, but time is cruel, i won't stop. i have to move on.

ps: saya geram dan tidak puas hati!!!