Thursday, February 2, 2012

Somewhere in Life

It has been ages since I last updated my personal blog. My food blog also have been long forgotten. I've been busy with friends, work and families since last I updated my blog. I have many input for food blog, but let me get to that later.

I just want to share to the world how I feel now. Been very busy, and I just don't feel like I want to sleep regardless of many shots that I've taken in one of the boss' house during our visit for Chinese New Year. I think, if i just stay put, close my eyes, I would have doze off easily.

Now, once again I am struggling with adult life. I am falling into different kind of Eros love. This one is less pure (I think). I got jealous, but somehow I can get pull myself together and not destroying any relationship around me. Its been an agonizing pain since I realize that I do, have fallen into another pit hole.

I tell you why it is more agonizing than ever.

One, he always look at people. I also always look cautiously at people. I know every stare; I can differentiate lust, jealousy of other people, anger, intimidation. That is how I keep out from further stabbing people, unless when I want to. He, well, he also stares when he looks. I always move my head, and my eyes to see life, to see drama and to see people. But when I look at him, trying to get some drama, he also looking at me, trying to watch drama. That is what I think. But I pull that thought away from me for the reason I could not see his eyes looking at me at the same time I watch is because I did not wear my glasses. Moreover, now I think his eyes getting smaller, and my sight are going worse.He likes to watch as I like to watch. He is also observant as I do. I don't mind that. At some point, I think that the way he watch me is the same as the way he watch other people, like me watching other people, that is to capture some real life drama.

But, what I could not stand, is a butterfly that I feel in my stomach, or somewhere inside me when he really look deep into my eyes. I feel vulnerable. I could not fight that stare sometimes. Sometimes I feel bittersweet, sometimes I feel intimidated. Or, is it really butterfly in my stomach, or butterfly in my heart? But I do feel sometime inside me stirred.

Then, this felt jealous for the really first time! I could not believe it. Even though I did liked someone for the past few years, and quite a long time, but I never felt jealous. This is the very first person. I breath is as if it was taken away, it stuck somewhere in my chest, my head start to spin, my eyes get blurry, and everything gets blurry. I catch my breath each time he is with someone. And I can feel that I holding my breath every time he pass by me.

I can tell you all about him, but I guess all I want to share here is that butterfly and the jealousy and his killer stare. But, I have my own exit plan. I don't know if there will ever be something between us. I only can let God to plan for me. I decided to not to do anything about it, or I'll let future Prez to think (haha, HIMYM line). My exit plan, is this cute customer. Now, every time this pain come like a sickness, automatically my brain will slide this cutie.



Now that I am going to end this post, my last thoughts are "I think my heart knows what I need, but my brain keeps me to what i want." "Which thoughts really do matter?"

Na, I think I am going to resolve by saying "Just give it to God, He knows best, let Him decide". There is one movie I watched, which I forgot, says "That is only for p***s*! If you really want it, then get it and fight for it. Don't just wait and watch!"

Yeah, I could not agree more. But if only I knew how to actually fight for it. I am a bit scared that I fight for the wrong reason.

Anyway, if only I knew. I really have no idea how to handle.

OK. Nice. Going to sleep. Goodnight.