Monday, November 9, 2009

short statement made long


I don't know whether i really should be here (my current location) or not. part of me said i shouldn't be here; part of me said i supposed to be where i am. i left, and i was often not there when someone at home need me. i feel like i am the worst. i don't know why i write here; whether i have had enough, or i just want to tell the world something. i just don't know. it is not that i seek understanding from the world, though i wanted to tell something from my heart. i just couldn't find the right channel no matter how desperate i want to spill it out

my thoughts that everyone have their own trouble really get me. and people are still people. sometimes i get annoyed at what people said. i want to say what is in my mind, my desperation, my thoughts, my annoyance, my heart but i couldn't. i didn't have my chance, and sometimes i am afraid it would be hurtful. i have to remain in silence and keep what i wanted to say inside, thinking that the person will learn their own way.

as i lie alone in my bed, many thoughts runs through my head. is it really here where i belong? or is it somewhere else? suddenly today, after receiving a very dearly phone call, i started to see that my future is still undecidable. i don't know what to do and what is best i can do for now. everything seems so uncertain and future seems dark and pitch black. i don't know what i am doing right now. i am uncertain if i can do my things properly now. i am very lost. i am uncertain of my own capabilities, and i don't know which is which and what is what. i cannot do what is the best i can do. i am limited; by my own self and by the circumstances around me. i don't like it, but i have to go on. i feel useless for my family; in my heart, i know very much, and i understand very much that they cannot depend on me as i can depend on them. it is as if i given them false hope. that's the word. false hope. (i am sorry mom)

in fact, i don't even know why i post this? would it give me good? maybe, as i spilled down what is in my heart. or do i expect any response from those who read this? i don't know. i have doubts myself and contradictions that i still cannot wiped off my mind.

just now i read something interesting, 'if God can get us though this, He can get us through anything'. then i came over something else which is also very interesting 'it is something that will be quickly gone as it arrives'. i read this one in today's horoscope reading. not that i believe in horoscope, no, God forbids us to do that, but somehow i clicked and i am very interested in this phrase. it has somehow as if someone who watch over me up there leading me to this sentence through weird circumstances. i hope then, that this storm will pass as quickly as it comes.

God, i really wish and hoped the best for myself, for the sake of my family. i don't care if i will be a beggar, or someone worth of nothing or worthless brat, but at least, before it happens, let me be someone worthy for my family before i leave everything behind. i want they to live happy without having to face difficulties, not in what they do, or what they have to do, but difficulties in handling our feelings. what is hard now is how to face this feeling inside of each one of us.

argh!!!!!what am i writing here????simply saying, i am lost and i really don't like to be here, and nothing really matter to me here now. i wanted to be at home, but that rights has been taken away from me by people who didn't bother to help even though it is their responsibilities. moreover, they are paid to help. but, when i try to think other way round, i started to ask God 'what do You really want to do with me by giving me this kind of situation?'. God's plan is indescribable; however right now, i don't really want to discuss more about it, nor hearing about it from those who are just repeating whatever we already know. or, it is just not the time yet to said it, have to learn more, and wait more. i am tired; i need a break and concentration on one thing only, but time is cruel, i won't stop. i have to move on.

ps: saya geram dan tidak puas hati!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

in list~~

teardrops in my guitar

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.


ps: donno wat to say, just want to have some update to my blog., im at library, doing things, relax a bit with fb and so on...then, duing my 10 letters and doing asaimen which i dunno when......hmmmm.......oh ya, there is someone in front of me laughing to himself..duih!

Monday, October 19, 2009

its been a long time already... has been a really long time since i didn't update my, i will update two artworks, mine original, and i use photoshop technology to do all the colouring and, enjoy....hehe

title: no title, hehe

this picture, actually the quote is from the movie Moulin Rouge, from the song Come what title, idea.....

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

i could not bear it anymore!!

ok..that's it!!! i really could not bear it anymore and i don't care whats going to happen..right now, yes now, my heart aching and so is my head like crazy....i have migraines nowadays and it overlaps with i hate expectations!!!my heart???it is okay, but ache a is about someone that i like ages ago, and still right now, i really don't know where to express everything, so now, i just be crazy and spill off some of it..i don't care anymore, but all i want to say is yes, i like you, i care to think about you until i couldn't bear it anymore, because i want to be near you, to listen to you, to look into your eyes, but i couldn't..i really want to be by your side and know you, but i couldn't, and it hurts; maybe because i didn't given that chance..i am going crazy now thinking of you and just you, and you i don't know if you'll know what's in my little heart or not, ever..i don't know what will happen in the future, anyhow, there is one more thing i want you to know, that you effect me too much...

ps:hm...feel much better now...ehehe

Saturday, September 12, 2009

nothing special

i am,
i want to write something, share my thoughts, but later i have choir practice, so i have limited time..aiya...what eyes are puffy, my neck feel voice couldnt go out...alaaaa......

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Kenangan Terindah

aku yang lemah tanpamu
aku yang rentan karena cinta yang telah hilang darimu
yang mampu menyanjungku

selama mata terbuka
sampai jantung tak berdetak
selama itu pun aku mampu untuk mengenangmu

darimu ku temukan hidup ku
bagiku kau lah cinta sejati

bila yang tertulis untukku
adalah yg terbaik untuk mu
kan ku jadikan kau kenangan
yang terindah dalam hidupku
namun takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupmu
yang telah terukir abadi
sebagai kenangan yang terindah

ps: evergreen song, nostalgic, and sentimentalic...hehe.....penuh perasaan ni,,,wakakak

Thursday, August 6, 2009

new art...

morning!!!this is the new art i just make.....i use photoshop...i know it looks kinda weird, and likely less artistic, but i want to share it anyway.... ;)

the title is Light In The Dark....more to come!!!! 'terima kasih'

this is the original art before i make some artistic adjustment, i named it Before The Light in The Dark...haha

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


i only have good broadband line after midnight, thus here i am, blogging...i started to like to write here though....because it feels

yesterday, (a few hours before i write this, hehe), i went to one borneo, and i went to sushi king..ah~~~ how i want to eat the scallop soup...yes... will go again, to another japanese restaurant, and devour myself in the soup...ha~~~~~~....i miss the soup.....

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

tonight. . .

tonight, i feel kind of somewhat sad...i donno what i've one tell me whats wrong...somehow i feel that person that i look as friend abandon me, forget me, and dont want to remember me. i know it is not right, but as a merely human, what i think is; i see u as a friend, i treat u as i would like to treat u as a friend, and i hope you treat me as a friend, after all those things i did for you as a friend. being a friend for u is hard enough, but why cant u be a fren for me??even though i wont be around when u ask me to have fun in a group, but that thinking that u asked shows that u still treat me as friend...that is all i ask, as a friend..yeah, now i feel forgotten, and one day, i know, that memories of me will disappear. it sounds selfish, but i really hope my friends remember me, as i remember them and keep them in my heart. i also want them to remember me in their heart, and be best friend forever, and not seek me when in vain only, but include me in happy times. but if they forget me, it may be the best thing also, to leave a place, where there certainly would be no memory of me, because i dont want, i choose to, to leave a place where i dont feel like home....

Monday, August 3, 2009


no one important is reading my blog.. Uh~ im dead bored n i feel quite tired,im sleepy,n dissapointd..i try to get a help frm my fren,but i ask from the wrong laptop suddenly turned off when i surf,and i cudnt turned it on back as the cabel get crazy,again..i woke up late,n cme to class omoz nine..i hate my life when i cnnt handle purpose..i hv my purpose,but im not brave enuf to go for it..i hate it that way..

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

feeling blue out of nowhere. . .

well...actually i am not that kind of someone who like to write, or updating my blog each and everyday just for the sake of updating...hehe...i am lazy to write, and lazy of thinking what to write..if i sudddenly write then it must be something had happened, thus something happens tonight that makes me blogging...something inside me that wants to blurt it out so that i feel relieved.....

tonight i fell kinda blue. u know, this is because i remembered something in my life. u see, i liked someone before, and i have get over with it, and with confidence i said i really do get over about it years ago..

the problem when you living alone in ur room and everybody is noisy,

is you think of something u really dont want to is so nostalgic...for example what i thought today....(aiiihhh, merapu ba sy ni,i know im not straight to the point, but this is somewhat like a germaine to what i want to say....ehe)

ok....tonight, i feel somelike sad...and i don;t know why..i think i forgot already what i wanted to say..

but i think it is like this... i feel sad not because i did not have the guy that i like, but i think it is because i let go somthing i never had, or something i never fight, and i somewhat feel regret over this...not that i never confess, i did confess but cowardly, i just text messeging that person and poof!!, i think i confess..haha

izit the right thing to do???well, i do hope some advice on this matter, like, have you ever felt you think u already get over with some1 but eventually and actually u learned that it is not that u did not get over with it, but actually u missed that feeling where u felt that you have reason to live (because u liked some1) and u remembered how u told ur friends that u saw him/her this morning, or that did u talked to that person, or even smiled, and all those thing....i think i missed that childish moment, and i missed that feeling where i really like some1 and don't mind i don't have him, and not get over him....

and i also wondering, if in 20 years from now, will i still be thinking the same nostalgic thing, or whatever.

Hoe God has planned weirdly that i finnally here...actually i did cursing the day i made my decision to go study here (UMS), because this decision related to that feeling, but somehow, now, i realise, if i am not here, i wouldn't meet this wonderfull person, and i really cannot imagine my life without this wonderfull friend that i meet here and not so long ago...i don't know if that person read this or not, but if the person do, i want to tell the person i thought of 'the person' everyday, write 'the person's' name somewhere everyday, and wish 'that person' have good life each carefull day. nobody knows who that person is, only me...why???i guess i couldn't risk the consequence of declaring my secret...haha

adios frens!thanks for reading...i feel much better now...hehe....please, give me some advice keh????hehe

thanks again!!!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

eeeiiii...malas maw study untuk thesis.....haish....wat to do.....but that is not the topic of, maw share apa yg sy nampak time this is the Rosary month, May, jadi kami pun buat la rosary di rumah, di mana ada orang datang and pray2 together la......macam besa, we wont do the rosary by ourselves kan????hehe, lagipun tak bes buat rosary 1 urg..okay, hajime!!!

during last 2 mystery in the rosary, where we meditate The Carrying of The Cross and The Crucifixtion, i imagine myself, as a little who lived in that time.....

One day, a little girl follow his father to the market to buy something as it is almost the Passover event. There seems to be an important event occuring that day. On that very special day, she saw a man, wearing a wretched cloth, carrying a large cross. she saw many people around that man; there are guards, priest, common people men and women as such. There, some said cursing words, some cried, some just watch and go, some look and do nothing, and some, just like this little girl, just wondering what has happened, and why that one man looks like he is hated by everybody in the market, eventhough there are some women cried for him. 'Who is he?', she asked teh question herselfs. she watch her father see the man, which fear watcing the scene. She wants to ask who is the man, and what are they doing, but she couldn't ask her father, as her words stuck in her throat.

She just look at the man, observing him and wondering. She is just too little to know why, to small to see things clearly, yet is sure that the convicted man, as she heard from the people around, is not a criminal. She does not know why is the man convicted, but when she look at the man, she knows the man is not what it seems to be. She walk towards the crowd to take a closer look at the man.

As she is getting close, the man saw her, and look her in the eyes. The girl could not explain it, but she feels someting, she look at the man's ayes; they were clear, shiny, grand, looking back at her with eyes full of dignity and royalty, yet full of mercy and compassion. The girl could not take her ees from those eyes, even though the man look away as there are a girl approach him, giving him cloth to wipe his face. The girl keep on looking at the man, untill she realised that her father wasn't there. She follow the crowd though, her feet directing her to the crowd which bringing the man to a mountain, which she knows well the place is a place where bad people get punished.

She follow the man bravely, eventhough at home she is the most coward of all her sisters. she knows she is all alone, but she feels that she found strengh and want to follow the crowd, she still wants to see the eyes, because she wants to explain to her curious heart, the eyes which has looked upon her. She was afraid, as she travel with her small feet, following the crowd. She stumble, but she sees only the man, who has inspired her to follow him. Sometimes she get closer to the man, and she can see that the man has many cuts and bruises on his body, and on his head, there are crown of thorns! She grasp, but still she followed the crowd, now from afar, and with little fright. She stopped, and think 'why they doing this to the man? what sin has the man done?'. Then, she continue her journey. Little that she know that the man was convicted because of blesphemy, or is she too small to understand...

It's there. . .A very large cross in front of her. She could not see how it happen as her feet was small to catch up the big crowd marching to the skull mountain. She saw the man, and the man looked at ther, as if he knows. Her eyes started to water. They were filled with water, and drop slowly as the man smile to her. She smiled too, with the unstopping rain of tears. She saw the man's blood and sweat, dropping to the ground. Then, the man uttered something, bow his head and died. 'Who is he?' the girl wondered. then she saw two guards, playing with the man, who is now lifeless, and one of them poking the ribs of the man, and blood start to shed from the wound.

The weather started to change into somthing different. But the girl didn't know. All she sees is heavenly clouds at the back of the crucifed man, and glorious light shine upon the man.

She did not realise it, but she kneeled down, and uttered, 'It is done,isn't it?', close her eyes, and drop there.

As she wake up, she is at her house, on her own sleeping mat. And she wake up, with feelings she could not explain, with things and memories that could not be erased. But she smiled, and continue her life, with a very different manner, from what she is before.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Kaamatan di Kg Kolopis, self idolizing pictures,eherm!

ui...tu hari kami ramai-ramai p kg c Geogy... ada sy, geogyut sendri, grasut, elvut, cyrut, danisot, alisut, jayrut, kerot, and charlesut... apparently, tu c Geogyut yang bawa and gambar yang ada ni pun gambar sendiri2 ja...ada banyak funny picture though....maw share dgn everybody la kunun.....eheh...gambar ni suma diambil guna kemra hanponku yang tak seberapa canggih

yea...i gambar terbalik....what to do....uhuh....but, let me introduce, 2nd pic, elvi is the main point, and ada lagi watak sampingan....bju putih tu c jayrut, and yang nampak muka ja tu danisot....oh ya, kami dalam bus p dongongon...betul ka spelling ni???

kerot ma alisut di sabalah si kerot...then, kaki sepa ka di corner tuh???

perkenalkan, cyrut and elvut...nda taw la pa diurang discus, yang pastinya, diurng 'tertangkap' dia c grasut yg ayu.....oh ya, ni la keadaan kemas di rumah c geogyut....eheh...

ok, ada jayrut, danisot, and charsut....mainpoint nya adalah charsut yang teda gambar penuh dalam hanpon ada jg la di kemra org len....

ni gambar kan, sgt self idolizing!!!!setuju ka kamu???guna hanpon sy lagi tu....c elvut punya kerja la ni....ok elvut, nnt untuk BMK ko amek dokumentasi la kan...terlampau suka ambil gambar ni....paksa org jadi model dia lagi ni...ehehek...

ni la grasut......ekek....

ni pula kerot....eheh.. 5 urg budak kecik mmg tak tau maw bwat apa kali......selain daripada aircond di rumah c geogyut....for ur information, ni rumah kan dibina oleh daddy c geogyut, and family...eheh...


oh ya...sejarah kami ambil gambar di rumah geogyut...ada la ni 1 urg jejaka bernama cyrut, dia cakap smthng yang berbunyi seperti ini 'mari kita buat sejarah di rumah ni'....tuz, apa lagi...byk la gambar kami, di 'ruang tamu' itu skrg sy xda gambar family(kami 10 urg, self-picture ja,ekek)...ada mmg ada, tp bukan di kemra ni....uhuks....

ok...actually, ada lagi benda yang berlaku quite before kami otw p KK....confusing and lucu....ada 3 trip ni dari UMS p KK...haha....ada orang kena tinggal ba....ekek.....
mula-mula, sy dgn smgtnya tggu la di bustop ab dlm jam 9.05 begitu.....diurg geogyut, liga kg e di kg e la...jdi tggu punya tggu sampai 9.30, ada ni 1 bus kuning TUT tak nek la sbb tgu diurg liga kg b....tguk2 diurg liga kg e dlm bus udaa..blur la sy...sms punya c danisot, dibilangnya tgu org bwat rambut (taw2 la sapa, ekeh)...doi..takpa, dtg 1 bus kami nek la dgn konfiden....sampai ja di trafficlight, berbunyi la hanpon c danisot......

rupa-rupanya...ada lagi satu org tertinggal di kg e....astaga....jadi, jumlah trip dari ums utk p kk for this event ada 3 trip...c jayrut yang tertinggal kan, respek la bro...smngt juga dia pg ni...perutku terasa geli hati bila mngenangkan dia yg tertinggal ni...kenangan manis beh ini...hehe....then, d KeKeh kan, c jayrut buat lagi rekod dgn berjln ke terminal bus di seberang sana sedangkan kami di bus station city park...aigooo jayronna.....dia la paling banyak berjalan ni...takpala kan jayr, buang lemak sikit ko sana...ekek..sampai ja bus statio tempat kami berkumpul, tu na dia, dapat lagi dia tersengih-sengih senyum-senyum sana...lucu betul hoo ni budak...aigoooooo........meh sy tunjuk muka org tertinggal ni....

ni...upclose dgn org yang kena tinggal, c jayrut.....dan kebetulan pula, ingat ka org yg sy mention lambat tu????tu la dia, di sebelah org yg tertinggal...ekek.....dia buat rambut, its up to you to pertimbangkan if 30 mins berbaloi dgn apa yg kita nampak tu...eheh...sori cyrut...sempat sy mgumpat ko ni...ekek...

ni la c geogyut yang cantek...eheh...dia la pelakon utama kami yang membawa kami merantau ke Kolopis....baru ada ni gambar dia.....(di kemra ketinggalan sy ni la...uhuuu)

ni pula suasana Kaamatan di Kolopis....di atas pentas tu c Nana, adik c geogyut, kalau la kamu nampak...ekek....dia ikut sugandoi, jd, this is the only pic of the suasana yg sy ada...ekekkkekek...

oh ya, that nite, yg 8 org suma balik, ada 3 trip juga...ehe...mula2 c grasut n alisut, then the 6 people, last sy ma geogyut yg balik keesokan harinya(maksudnya sy bermalam,ehe....)maw kenal ma anjing geogyut??? ja gambar di perkarangan rumah geogyut yg sy ada, diambil next morning.....ui, malam tu kan kami tgk 1 in a million beramai2, (sbnrnya, kami 4 ja, sy, geogyut, nana and auntie mama geogyut), c tomok menang...ehe.....pastu, c ronald sempat2 sms suruh kutip derma untuk member csg yang beru ditinggalkan org tersayang....let us pray for her.....

banyak sbnrnya anjing diurng ni, but iguess this is the lucky one....not sure which geogyut, nnt ko bagi2 la komen sini kio...ctau kami apa nama tu anjing...eheeh

ps: ekek = ketawa kejam
eheh = ketawa senyum2, tersimpul-simpul
aha = ketawa 'ho, ni dia!'
hahaha = ketawa besar
hihi = ketawa tak bersalah sedangkan bersalah
huhu = ketawa menangis...ehe...
uhuks = ketawa berupa batukan kecil (???)

ok...mcm panjang udaa sy tulis ni...banyak lagi idolizing picture sy maw share, becoz a picture tells a thousand story, so chao....ekek

pengenalan kpd ...

wow....i have new, sy cuba la ni berblogging di first post, well, welcome!!!!nanti kat rumah nanti sakan la aku ni promote pa2 da...ok bye....c u...